So they waved “bye” to Phil and proceeded to float
Down the river, adrift on their garbage-strewn boat.
In the distance, they spotted a speck with a mast.
Some kind of boat was advancing…and fast!
But what vessel travels at such a quick clip?
The bone-chilling answer: a dread pirate ship!
Its crow’s nest was high, and its cannons were large.
It slowed to a crawl to keep pace with the barge.
(The pirates Tom and Jerry are on the deck of the pirate ship. Tom is short and round, Jerry is tall and lean. The emblem on the ship's flag is a packing peanut.)
TOM (exceedingly polite and cheerful):
Ahoy and a-howdy! Yo-ho and yoo-hoo!
We’re bloodthirsty pirates! So nice to meet you!
We’ve met such lovely folk as we’ve traveled afar.
Do tell us, please, what kind of pirates you…
(He nudges the monosyllabic Jerry, who is wearing a traditional skull-and-bones pirate hat.)
And there it was!
The Perfect Hat!
Oh, Cosmo had no doubt of that.
A hat of black, with skull and bones
Is what the well-dressed pirate owns.
We’re not pirates at all!
George replied with a quiver.
We’re only two buddies afloat on the river.
Beg pardon, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t assume!
Is that sign on your flag some strange symbol of doom?
We’d have told you right off, but some think it bizarre.
We’re the Pirates Who Poach Packing Peanuts, we…
(He nudges Jerry.)
Let others seek nuggets of gold as they roam.
We measure our treasure in nuggets of foam!
They’re the most crucial thing when a boat needs equipping.
It’s true, packing peanuts are vital for shipping!
So kindly then, if it won’t be too much fuss,
Please round up your peanuts and give them to us!
Oh dear…see, we used to have plenty, until
They were carried away by a rodent named Phil.
For Phil, packing peanuts are something to hoard.
And that’s how we know there aren’t any onboard!
Not any? Not one? Dear, that’s quite below par…
We’re in a bad situation, we...
(He nudges Jerry.)
You’re lovely chaps, but to be perfectly candid,
You can’t ask a pirate to leave empty-handed.
If only we’d not lost our dear Pirate King…
He’d know the answer to most anything!
But since he’s not here, we will just have to look
To see what we should do in the Pirates’ Handbook.
They thumbed through the old Pirates’ Handbook with care
But found nothing to solve their predicament there.
To find a fair penalty, we’ve drawn a blank,
But the Handbook suggests, when in doubt…walk the plank!
Walk the plank? If we do, then our clothes will get wet!
I’m allergic to drowning.
Dear fellows, don’t fret!
In these life jackets, you’ll float like corks in a jar!
What kind of pirates do you think we…
(He nudges Jerry.)
So they boarded the ship, since he asked so politely,
And made sure the jackets were fastened on tightly.
TOM (helping them onto the plank):
And so, up you go! Yes, that’s lovely. Now you!
We must do as the Handbook directs us to do!
They stepped out on the plank single file, heel to toe.
The water was murky and restless below.
Before long, there was not any plank left to walk...
Then from up in the sky, Cosmo heard a loud squawk!
(Up in the sky we see a parrot wearing a small pirate's hat.)
It’s Mabel the parrot! She’s been on a search
To find a new Pirate King on whom to perch.
Down here, old girl! It’s a relief to behold her!
The parrot soon settled on Cosmo’s left shoulder.
And swiftly removing her hat with her wing,
All hail the new Pirate King!
TOM (to Cosmo):
So you’re the new King? Why, I couldn’t feel worse!
In that case then, please walk the plank in reverse!
The rat and the King took great care not to slip,
Until they were back, nice and dry, on the ship.
I’m honored to be your new King, but it’s vital
You find someone else who has time for the title.
It seemed they were right back to where they began,
But Mabel the parrot concocted a plan.
In that case, the next King will be who can guess:
(She pulls a packing peanut from her feathers.)
What letter this peanut resembles most!
(A long pause. All are thinking hard.)
JERRY (from out of the blue):
(All stare at Jerry in amazement. Mabel flies over to his shoulder.)
Congratulations! All hail Good King Jerry!
I’m thrilled that he’s doubled his vocabulary!
MABEL (to Cosmo):
But because you were King, even just for a minute,
This hat is your keepsake. (She gives Cosmo her hat.) You’ll look massive in it!
They deposited Cosmo and George on the shore
And then sailed off to find packing peanuts galore.
COSMO (calling as the pirates sail away):
Bon voyage, merry pirates! Safe travels at sea!
The next time you’re sailing, do drop by for...
Thanks to you all! That is just what I’ll do!
Till then, happy travels! So nice to meet…
(The pirate ship is out of sight.)
Cosmo, farewell. You’re an upstanding guy!
Same to you George. Oh, and try to stay dry!
So Cosmo went home with the headgear in tow.
Gus at last had a hat for this evening's big show!
(Cut to end of Ted Todman’s Talent Time.)
Before Ted Todman’s Talent Time comes to an end,
Here’s one final act: Cosmo Kimball and Friend!
(We see the curtain rise, and Cosmo’s puppet Gus appears. Unlike the rest of the animated story, the puppet is live video composited against a cartoon background. The puppet is wearing the pirate's hat, and he sings a short, funny song about being a pirate. Lots of applause afterwards.)
Wow, Cosmo Kimball! That really was great!
You brought up the rear, but were well worth the wait.
Tell me, how did you think of this wonderful act?
Then Cosmo described his strange day, fact by fact:
The bus, the parade, and the big balloon trip;
The barge, and the rats, and the dread pirate ship.
That’s quite an adventure that happened to you!
But you took what life gave you and made something new.
Our Applause-O-Tron says you’re the Audience Favorite!
Congratulations! I hope that you’ll savor it.
You’re on your way, Cosmo!
PUPPET (Cosmo pops him up into frame):
How about that!
And to think it all came from my one perfect hat!
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